you know what i love.. the beltway at 4am.. just surfing the curves of smooth pavement (for the most part).. i do my best thinking there.. after a few drinks and a chance meeting of old middle school soul mates..? yeah the best thinking happens contengent on those requirments.. just open round road and of course the red lable indigo girls album.. you know the one with all the break up songs and galiao.. god so much comes back with just that one album.. god carl.. wtf.. and phish.. such a struggle.. sounded more profound in the ol' noggn but of course back here with the cd skipping like a mother fucker and faced with the daunting task of spelling of which i am not the most proficient sober.. makes it hard to put these thoughts into tangable letters and words and actual sentances.. but i had a chance to actually speak tonight..

i havent spoken.. really talked to annyone in such a long time.. pretty much keeping to myself for the past months but tonight .. god.. someone listened.. and i was actually able to articulate.. just the situation i've found myself in.. i mean i just cant talk to anyone these days.. i dont complain.. not about big things when.. well not when they're not as bad as they could be.. ya know? like just that i dont .. i cant just tell anyone about the i dunno.. what goes on.. in my head/actuallity.. no one wants to hear that.. i dont want to hear that.. its not that i'm complaining that no one cares. i know they do .. just well i dont know that they do .. but i know that they dont really feel like re assureimg me.. i dont blaim them god.. i dont..

but well.. i've just breathed a sigh of relief. and fuck i wouldnt know how to spell breathe.. past tense.. or what ever fucking word i meant right now but you know what the hell i mean.. just this old fat earth mother has so much weight on her shoulders and i know i'm talking about myself in person .. but that .. just so much.. i weigh myself down so much.. and well.. you dont want to read that.. and i honestly dont want to type/think about that much anymore right now

but to make a long story short.. i miss everyone.. all of you.. i think about you all so much.. most of you 13 times a second.. and its true my damn brain doesnt stop for a lick these days.. if only i could harness that

again with the regret.. but enough.. i promise you that i will close my eyes and fall asleep tonight with only hope.. and i dont care how cheesy you think that is because in this moment this very fucking second that i'm talking to you and to my aunt on aim at freakn 5:07am in the very early morning i will leave you with this good night cousins